Hate

I think depression is slowly sinking in, I am beginning to hate myself all over again. And this world. Doubt I'll be updating this space till I find a cure, nobody wants a negative spirit.

Taiwan with J

Hey all, I know I've been missing from here for quite a while. Well, school's finally over, and I've been hanging out often enough to neglect this space of mine. Anyway, I'm leaving for Taiwan tomorrow with my best friend, J! It's gonna be my first time travelling with her (and R) and I am mega stoked! Oh, and I found out that Taiwan actually offers quite a good range of outdoor adventures such as hand gliding, surfing, river tracing, bungee jumping, parasailing and the like! So this time there isn't an excuse, I am going for not one but all of them. And I'll make sure J comes along with me haha. Cross fingers that we'll be back in one piece, and no more missing of flights back. I doubt I'll be bringing my laptop over, foresee a very exhausted self every night so I'll update you guys when I'm back. Do watch this space, and so long for now x.

Why Do Twentysomethings Always Feel So Old?

By Ryan O'Connell

I’m turning 25 next month, which by my estimate, is the oldest I have ever been. And of course I’m freaking out about it and think I’m super old. When in your twenties, it’s your job to feel old. Whether you’re 22 or 28, you just think you’re sooooo old, oh my god, such a grandma and I’m not really sure why this is. Because 25, or any age in your twenties for that matter, isn’t old. In fact, you could argue that any age before 65 is still considered young. By definition, being old would mean reaching senior citizen status, right? That kind of old is unfathomable to us though.

When I was in high school, people in their twenties were seen as ancient. I remember saying things to my friends like, “Oh, he’s really old. Like 24.” I think 24 was perceived to be an old age because their lives were so foreign to us. They graduated college, lived on their own, and held jobs. Those were things that represented an adult life, things we didn’t have and couldn’t have. Of course now I cringe when I think about the fact that I ever considered 24 to be an old age but I’m sure I will feel the same when I turn 35. When that happens, I will look back at this blog entry and think, “Oh, you silly 24-year-old. You thought 25 was old? You were just a baby and you didn’t even know it.”

When do you know it? I’m trying to remember the last time I ever felt young, the last time I ever turned an age that wasn’t accompanied with a sense of dread. I guess it had to be seventeen because it was my last year as a minor. I couldn’t buy cigarettes, couldn’t drink, couldn’t even rent a hotel room. How could I possibly feel old? But after that, it all changed. I remember first feeling uncomfortable about turning 19, which is such a baby age! 19 is I’m a freshman in college and does anyone have a fake ID? It’s laughable to think that I ever could feel old back then, but maybe it’s laughable that I feel old now. When is it no longer ridiculous to feel old? When is it like, “Oh, shoot. Yeah, you’re old. That’s an old age.”

I think the reason why twentysomethings are so fixated on age is because we feel a pressure to be a certain way at 23, at 25, at 29. There are all of these invisible deadlines with our careers and with love and drinking and drugs. I can’t do coke at 25. I need to be in a LTR at 27. I can’t vomit from drinking at 26. I just can’t! We feel so much guilt for essentially acting our age and making mistakes. We’re obsessed with this idea of being domesticated and having our shit together. It’s kind of sad actually because I don’t think we ever fully get a chance to enjoy our youth. We’re so concerned about doing things “the right way” that we lose any sense of pleasure in doing things the wrong way.

Youth may be truly wasted on the young.

Watch

Cos one isn't in my dictionary

Another one from K's sister, all the way from America. And now I have five altogether, whoop!

An Entomologist's Last Love Letter, Jared Singer

dear samantha i’m sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it’s not you
it sure as hell isn’t me
it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.

after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away
this is not true
after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness
i could never do that for you

so i have a new plan
i’m gonna leave you now
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.

I believe

"But maybe it's not about forgetting.

It's about remembering,

remembering the feeling, the hope, the knowledge that yes,

I can be loved."

And I am hopeful for no reason. But sometimes that is the best reason. x

Nerding away.

Can't believe I'm not partying today, nor any other days this week :(

7 more days to liberation; I will survive.

Baby, let's celebrate.

As we didn't make it to Zouk on Wednesday (I died, G too!), we went to party last Friday! I was so determined not to drink after puking so much (6 episodes!) on Wednesday, but no, that didn't happen because I ended up ordering a graveyard for myself and a flaming lambo for K. And it didn't just stop there, for I caught myself ordering more (sour plum) shots and drinks throughout the night. What an alcoholic, but whatever I'm giving tomorrow night a miss anyway. Nevertheless, the night was good, always good when I have K and L by my side.

By Saturday, I was so exhausted from the week. Couldn't sleep at all when I got home, and just when I began drifting off a little, it was time to get ready for high tea with my parents. Tiffin Room at Raffles Hotel was rather disappointing, the selection of food was limited even though the ambience made up for it. The only item that I had two servings of was the Bread and Butter pudding, yea that's about it.. At night, I met up with my favorite people from Udders! My choice of restaurant, Boomarang Bistro & Bar! We all went there with the sole purpose of tasting Kangaroo loin, no actually, it was just me. But I made them taste it! And it was good, tasted like beef with texture equivalent to turkey/chicken breast. The rest of the dishes that we ordered were equally commendable. Spent the next few hours at The Central's Starbucks, and by that time I was really really tired/sleepy/moody and heading home was all that I could think of. Though I was stoning more than half the time, I still enjoyed the night with their company. And I'm looking forward to dinner this friday with xuanny and whale, and Ian (uhhh)! Not to mention our August party plans, how exciting!

As for today, presentation was a breeze. Thank God for only a handful of people showed up. Lunch was good with B and E, am beginning to grow closer to the both of them and I really like that feeling! Eph, please get Twitter if you're reading this! Haha, that will be the perfect 21st gift from you to me.

Alright, I guess I'm done sharing my past few days with you all. Hopefully, you've had as much fun as I did. x

Wake me up when the sun sets

Today marks the very beginning of a new month, which also means my favorite month has come to an expected end. I can’t possibly describe how quickly July has passed, but it has definitely challenged the swimming speed of mine. Fyi, I swim pretty fast, much faster than the combined speed of three terrapins but sadly not as good as a single dolphin.

So we bid farewell to the weekend once again, and I feel tired. Extremely, with no forms of exaggeration. I slept Sunday away, and the first half of Monday too. This is quite unlike my usual self, hence I concluded that I am or should be suffering from over-exhaustion. Now, how do I recover from this? I’ve had coffee and cake, but they, like my best friends, attempted to help only to no avail. Rehearsal for tomorrow’s presentation is at 8pm tonight on Skype, it was supposed to take place the previous evening but E and I shared the same amount of exhaustion and called it off. Which reminds me I’ve yet to prepare anything, and it would actually kill me to start now. I need more rest. A pathetic entry as such, took me approximately 15 minutes to complete. I paused at every 5 words, backspaced after 10, only to compose a seemingly meaningless post for the day.

Guess I should stop here, I’ll be back when I am well. Wish me luck, cause I really need some. So long for now x.